Ode to Me Smacking Aden with a Sack of Nickels Borrowed from Cory
If you'd like to inquire about my sister, please call my father at 781-461-1560. This is how we do it in the Ramey family: http://www.houstonpress.com/issues/2005-01-27/news/feature.html
And her name is spelled with a K.
My sister wants to go to U. Mass. She says Arizona is for "Gay Dudes and Ugly Sluts." I told her not to be prejudiced, but then I remembered that I know like three gay dudes that went there, so odds are she's right.
And her name is spelled with a K.
My sister wants to go to U. Mass. She says Arizona is for "Gay Dudes and Ugly Sluts." I told her not to be prejudiced, but then I remembered that I know like three gay dudes that went there, so odds are she's right.
posted by Aden at 9:41 AM
6 Comments:
What about a Christmas Ham? Then again, that may not be kosher for smacking Davis with...
Cory
Julia, I apologize for spelling your dear sister's name incorrectly, but worry not, people do it on a regular basis with mine as well. However, you seem entirely too upset about this whole thing with your sister. We may not know each other, but we're in love, can't you see that? Moreover, do you honestly think Cory would line you up with a sack of nickels if he knew your were going whip me about the face with them?
-Aden
I think Jeremy can GUARANTEE you that there's more than three gay dudes at the U of A. (How else could he have gotten by for so long?)
- seraz
Ok J-Ray, I perused Mikey's little article and I can play ball. But I get the impression that the 8 Simple Rules for the Ramey Clan might be a little different. In fact, I'm going to brainstorm a bit about exactly what they are.
-Aden
1. No touching of any kind
2. Must complement father's mustache once an hour
3. No direct eye contact
4. Katherine will wear a revolutionary chastity suit and Aden will wear an Amish farmer hat.
5. You will raise minks for fur as your means of survival.
6. Julia will have 19 cats and be a spinster.
7. Mike is Gay.
8. "Lite Rail" should've won a goddammed Grammy.
Hold on a minute. Let me get this straight. Mikey and J. Ramey are dating and living and working together. Cory lives across the way, and is trying to get closer to make because he loves me. I am using my friendship with Mikey to get closer to J. Ramey (whom I love), but am actually using THAT to get closer to Cory (whom I extra super secret love). Aden is using...I think everyone...to get closer to K. Ramey, but only because he is jelous that I love Ramey (when I really love Null)
So. Let's see if we can't figure this out:
Null. You make out with Mikey. The next time he drunken voice mail's me, he'll describe in in great detail. I will then, after being greatly arroused by my burning passion for you, will try to have sex with a Tucson local. That female, no doubt, will seek comfort in Aden when I explain my love (after the fact of course). When Aden learns of my actions, he will call J. Ramey to discuss. That conversation will result in her and Mikey getting drunk, which will no doubt result in Null making out with Mikey again. After that, Mikey will leave a drunken voice mail...
Wait. That's not right. How 'bout this:
J. Ramey. You borrow a THANKSGIVING Ham from Cory. Treat Mikey to a special "we've been working together for 5 months" anniversay dinner. After, while Mikey flosses his teeth of corn and stuffing, you call me and tell me how Cory's Ham was. While you are calling me, Cory, no doubt, will be talking to Aden, trying to figure out how to find a way into my heart. At the exact moment that Mikey realizes you didn't hang to towel up in the bathroom, K. Ramey, while sitting in her room in Boston, is watching T.V., and is thinking about something that has absolutely nothing to do with Aden. Then both Cory, Mikey and J. Ramey are distracted, when, in a burst of frustration, their neighbor throws a rotten pumpkin against their doors.
Hmm. This isn't working out either. How 'bout this:
I admit to myself that I've had more cock than...well...Aden (that's a lot of cock). Mikey, in turn, admits that he's been a lot of that cock. J. Ramey celebrates, and invites Cory over for a cockfest. Me and Aden attend via voice mail.
OK. I'm glad we figured that out.
Anyways. Cory. You're job sounds a lot like my job, except I go to work at noon. But I ask you this: would a monkey have the patience to sit at a computer and push the down arrow on an excell spreadsheet until it found the end? That's fucking dedication my friend. You can't just start doing it, and then stop after 10,000. You've got to commit yourself to the fucking long haul. You've got to mentally prepare yourself for hours, possibly days, of button holding.
Well. Not really. It only went to about 65,000. It only took like 45 five minutes. But I was WILLING to sit there the whole day and get paid to find the end of an Excell Spreadsheet. That takes dedication. Something I think we could all use a lot more of around here.
So my point is this: it all depends on your definition of "good". Obviously, business wise, a "good" manager would never hire any of us for anything. But "business-wise" doesn't so much apply to what's going on here, does it? (do we need to point a finger at Mikey's last article? He gets paid for this?) We're fucking monkeys. Yes. But at least we're drunk monkeys.
J
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