Grappling with the HOA
Lovers, attached is my recent correspondence to the HOA in response to my neigbor's propensity for obnoxious sound, do enjoy.
February 8, 2006
1200 E. River Rd. K-147
Tucson, AZ 85718
To Whom it May Concern,
This is an effort on my part to file a formal complaint against the owner of Unit K138 in response to his persistent decision to maintain a volume level on his stereo/television/gaming system that regularly penetrates the walls separating our respective domiciles.
It is noteworthy that I refer to my neighbor as “him” for to some this might register as being dangerously presumptuous on my part. However, in the multitude of instances throughout my life that I’ve had a female for a neighbor I’ve never encountered one who, in the course of her nocturnal activities, insisted on creating such an unnecessary raucous at weird and unpredictable hours in the evening/night (short of rendering a detailed analysis of activities that would have a ruinous effect on this letter’s PG-13 rating).
While this noise used to be sporadic it is evident –according to the last few weeks of sporadic sleep patterns on my part- that this gentlemen maintains an unusual schedule and insists that I’m cognizant of it at all times. He obviously refuses to accept the role of headphones in our 21st century society; moreover, he’s oblivious to the known fact that when your neighbor pounds on the wall s/he might as well be saying, “You’re an obnoxious and ill-tempered swine and I no longer wish to be appraised of your music and/or television habits at hours ranging from 6:00p.m. to 1:00a.m.!”
I’ve lain awake many nights wondering what, exactly, this man does with his free time. Is he an unemployed lecherous drunk who whittles away the early morning hours molesting purebred Border Collies? Or is it a more tempered explanation centering on an unshakable addiction to the “perfect storm” of choreographed cinematic violence, caffeine, and latent pornography? I’d maintain a silent indifference were he to engage in any number of such activities in a peaceable and quiet manner.
In fact, were any such theories proven correct I would no doubt enjoy the shot of vitality and unusual dynamism that having such a neighbor would provide; so long it was done quietly and with any semblance of respect for his neighbors.
The reality of his existence is likely far more prosaic than what I’ve alluded to thus far, and in all likelihood he’s a well adjusted member of our community who is simply unaware of the deleterious effect he is having on my sleep patterns. Unfortunately his naiveté is not a welcome justification for the repetitive maddening “thud” of the bass on his entertainment system.
In closing, I’d ask that the 1200 E. River HOA at least warn the dumb brute that his actions will soon attract an appropriate fine in conjunction with the stipulations of our collective HOA agreement. Should the threat or formal levying of such fines fail to remedy this quandary I’ll willingly strap him up by his genitals and utilize a ripened bamboo cane to “remind” him that our community has rules that are to the benefit of all. However, I sincerely believe we live in an advanced society where the rule of law precludes need for such draconian manifestations of corporal punishment.
Respectfully,
Aden Acklin
February 8, 2006
1200 E. River Rd. K-147
Tucson, AZ 85718
To Whom it May Concern,
This is an effort on my part to file a formal complaint against the owner of Unit K138 in response to his persistent decision to maintain a volume level on his stereo/television/gaming system that regularly penetrates the walls separating our respective domiciles.
It is noteworthy that I refer to my neighbor as “him” for to some this might register as being dangerously presumptuous on my part. However, in the multitude of instances throughout my life that I’ve had a female for a neighbor I’ve never encountered one who, in the course of her nocturnal activities, insisted on creating such an unnecessary raucous at weird and unpredictable hours in the evening/night (short of rendering a detailed analysis of activities that would have a ruinous effect on this letter’s PG-13 rating).
While this noise used to be sporadic it is evident –according to the last few weeks of sporadic sleep patterns on my part- that this gentlemen maintains an unusual schedule and insists that I’m cognizant of it at all times. He obviously refuses to accept the role of headphones in our 21st century society; moreover, he’s oblivious to the known fact that when your neighbor pounds on the wall s/he might as well be saying, “You’re an obnoxious and ill-tempered swine and I no longer wish to be appraised of your music and/or television habits at hours ranging from 6:00p.m. to 1:00a.m.!”
I’ve lain awake many nights wondering what, exactly, this man does with his free time. Is he an unemployed lecherous drunk who whittles away the early morning hours molesting purebred Border Collies? Or is it a more tempered explanation centering on an unshakable addiction to the “perfect storm” of choreographed cinematic violence, caffeine, and latent pornography? I’d maintain a silent indifference were he to engage in any number of such activities in a peaceable and quiet manner.
In fact, were any such theories proven correct I would no doubt enjoy the shot of vitality and unusual dynamism that having such a neighbor would provide; so long it was done quietly and with any semblance of respect for his neighbors.
The reality of his existence is likely far more prosaic than what I’ve alluded to thus far, and in all likelihood he’s a well adjusted member of our community who is simply unaware of the deleterious effect he is having on my sleep patterns. Unfortunately his naiveté is not a welcome justification for the repetitive maddening “thud” of the bass on his entertainment system.
In closing, I’d ask that the 1200 E. River HOA at least warn the dumb brute that his actions will soon attract an appropriate fine in conjunction with the stipulations of our collective HOA agreement. Should the threat or formal levying of such fines fail to remedy this quandary I’ll willingly strap him up by his genitals and utilize a ripened bamboo cane to “remind” him that our community has rules that are to the benefit of all. However, I sincerely believe we live in an advanced society where the rule of law precludes need for such draconian manifestations of corporal punishment.
Respectfully,
Aden Acklin
posted by Aden at 1:35 PM
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