An Open Letter to the President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
As long as we're tossing out Open Letters to People Who Are Unlikely To Respond, here's one that I submitted as a column to my buddy's "Citizen Culture" magazine:
Dear Mr. Ahmadinejad:
I happen to notice in the newspaper recently that you called for a ban on Western music. An excellent idea! Nothing announces to the world and your people confidence among the marketplace of ideas quite like a nice, swift (and thorough!) act of censorship. I myself have called for a ban from time to time (unregulated “soft money” campaign contributions, pickles on hamburgers, the continued existence of Maroon 5 on God’s green earth), but I lack the political or religious standing to really make it stick.
However, you may not be entirely well-versed in the depth of depravity and decadence that has taken root in Western pop culture. Might I proffer a few specifications and/or additions?
Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones for the Xbox. Mere mention of “princedom” and “thrones” seems a touch antithetical and, shall we say, outmoded for a progressive, wholly democratic nation, which Iran most certain is.
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Harmless on the surface, Mahmoud. But if played backwards, it spells out the exact GPS coordinates of your underground nuclear weapons cache. Granted, you have to be doing a lot of LSD and listening to exiles in the National Council of Resistance of Iran at the same time.
Dallas: The Complete First and Second Seasons. Perhaps the most egregious example of a Jewish clan lusty for oil and power. Admittedly, a few tweaks to the script here and there over the years slightly obfuscated the Ewing’s family Hebraic roots. In the pilot, for example, Larry Hagman’s character was originally called Schmoikel Rabinowitz.
In all seriousness, you have just been on fire this year, my man. The zingers do not stop. There was that whole Holocaust hullabaloo, which required us to parse your vexing logic: If 6 million Jews weren’t killed by the Nazis, why would the establishment of Israel be a “continuation” of genocide? You can’t have it both ways.
Then you shared sentiments with Pat Robertson on ailing Ariel Sharon – always good company to be in when it comes to level-headedness. However, given that you’re also pals with Hugo Chavez – who supports your nuclear aims, inked a deal on Iranian infrastructure investment and was recently in Robertson’s rhetorical crosshairs – that could get a little awkward if you all ever hang out together. (Why do I also see George Steinbrenner at that party?)
The question, of course, is whether this alleged pro-Western strain among many of your people is all hype and if, by opting for extremism, we’ll see a counterrevolution sparked by those moderates. That’s the scenario that makes us gun-shy Great Satanists all warm and fuzzy at night: a popular and democratic regime change without American hands getting obliquely dirty. And given your anemic economy and listless unemployment levels, it’s a scenario that could play out. After all, blaming the West and blacklisting the Black Eyed Peas is a familiar strategy for the embattled demagogue whose domestic distress is not so easily addressed. In football terms, it’s a reverse misdirection – from a political playbook that Chavez himself knows well. But at the end of the day, censoring culture doesn’t create jobs. It only further inflames the unemployed who can no longer get Springer at 10 A.M.
What trips us out, though, really, is this apocalyptic hot streak that you’ve got going. If we understand correctly your fervor for the apparently imminent Mahdi, or 12th Imam who will rule at the end times, then, well, you’d probably fit in just fine with millions of Left Behind readers who are in similar rapture in the United States.
Problem is – those folks didn’t just break the seals on uranium enrichment facilities, putting you perhaps five to ten years away from nuclear weaponry. Since Israel’s already got theirs, that puts us back in a world gone MAD, well after the Cold War warmed up. Geez, if only banning music was that harmless.
serazio.
Dear Mr. Ahmadinejad:
I happen to notice in the newspaper recently that you called for a ban on Western music. An excellent idea! Nothing announces to the world and your people confidence among the marketplace of ideas quite like a nice, swift (and thorough!) act of censorship. I myself have called for a ban from time to time (unregulated “soft money” campaign contributions, pickles on hamburgers, the continued existence of Maroon 5 on God’s green earth), but I lack the political or religious standing to really make it stick.
However, you may not be entirely well-versed in the depth of depravity and decadence that has taken root in Western pop culture. Might I proffer a few specifications and/or additions?
Prince of Persia: The Two Thrones for the Xbox. Mere mention of “princedom” and “thrones” seems a touch antithetical and, shall we say, outmoded for a progressive, wholly democratic nation, which Iran most certain is.
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band. Harmless on the surface, Mahmoud. But if played backwards, it spells out the exact GPS coordinates of your underground nuclear weapons cache. Granted, you have to be doing a lot of LSD and listening to exiles in the National Council of Resistance of Iran at the same time.
Dallas: The Complete First and Second Seasons. Perhaps the most egregious example of a Jewish clan lusty for oil and power. Admittedly, a few tweaks to the script here and there over the years slightly obfuscated the Ewing’s family Hebraic roots. In the pilot, for example, Larry Hagman’s character was originally called Schmoikel Rabinowitz.
In all seriousness, you have just been on fire this year, my man. The zingers do not stop. There was that whole Holocaust hullabaloo, which required us to parse your vexing logic: If 6 million Jews weren’t killed by the Nazis, why would the establishment of Israel be a “continuation” of genocide? You can’t have it both ways.
Then you shared sentiments with Pat Robertson on ailing Ariel Sharon – always good company to be in when it comes to level-headedness. However, given that you’re also pals with Hugo Chavez – who supports your nuclear aims, inked a deal on Iranian infrastructure investment and was recently in Robertson’s rhetorical crosshairs – that could get a little awkward if you all ever hang out together. (Why do I also see George Steinbrenner at that party?)
The question, of course, is whether this alleged pro-Western strain among many of your people is all hype and if, by opting for extremism, we’ll see a counterrevolution sparked by those moderates. That’s the scenario that makes us gun-shy Great Satanists all warm and fuzzy at night: a popular and democratic regime change without American hands getting obliquely dirty. And given your anemic economy and listless unemployment levels, it’s a scenario that could play out. After all, blaming the West and blacklisting the Black Eyed Peas is a familiar strategy for the embattled demagogue whose domestic distress is not so easily addressed. In football terms, it’s a reverse misdirection – from a political playbook that Chavez himself knows well. But at the end of the day, censoring culture doesn’t create jobs. It only further inflames the unemployed who can no longer get Springer at 10 A.M.
What trips us out, though, really, is this apocalyptic hot streak that you’ve got going. If we understand correctly your fervor for the apparently imminent Mahdi, or 12th Imam who will rule at the end times, then, well, you’d probably fit in just fine with millions of Left Behind readers who are in similar rapture in the United States.
Problem is – those folks didn’t just break the seals on uranium enrichment facilities, putting you perhaps five to ten years away from nuclear weaponry. Since Israel’s already got theirs, that puts us back in a world gone MAD, well after the Cold War warmed up. Geez, if only banning music was that harmless.
serazio.
posted by Aden at 6:20 AM
2 Comments:
PRETRIB RAPTURE DIEHARDS. Enter this on Google search engine to read a really shocking historical article. If you think it merits it, you should discuss it on your very good blog. God bless.
Direct quote from Head of the Nahdatul Ulama(Indonesia's largest Muslim organization), Hasyim Muzadi:
"When I asked him about it, Ahmadinejad told me he did not plan to develop nuclear science for weaponry or military purposes. His answer was rational - there is not a person in the world brave enought to use such weapons... 'Nah,' he told me, 'For me (Ahmedinejad) to make a nuclear weapon that I would not be brave enough to use wouldn't make sense.'"
http://www.nu.or.id/data_detail.asp?kategori=HALAQOH&id_data=6967
He went on to say that America has "trust issues" with Mr. Ahmedinejad. Thank you for pointing out the obvious, good sir. That said, I do however appreciate his new pet name for the West, "Global Arrogance."
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